So I guess it's all over.

Joe and I broke up and I moved back home.
I quit my job finally.
I'm so depressed right now.
I'm almost two weeks late on my period now.
Joe won't even speak with me.
I don't think I could handle telling my mom if I'm pregnant, but I'd need to if I'm getting an abortion... I'm getting a test tomorrow to be sure.

I haven't told anyone about my possible pregnancy besides Matt and I left a message for Joe since he won't answer my calls or call me back..
Apparently he doesn't care at all.
After all me having to get a baby that's half his sucked out of me isn't his problem at all, is it?
I don't know what I'm going to do if I am pregnant.

I've never wanted to die so much in my whole life.

I'm only posting this because I need to vent and I feel like I have no one who will listen to me.

About a month ago I came home from work around 10:30 p.m. and Joe wasn't at the apartment. He normally gets out of work around 4:00 p.m. and he hadn't called me, so I was starting to get worried. I called, but he didn't answer his phone. I started freaking out, and tried about five of my friends until I found out he was with Corey. Corey told me that Joe had drank too much and was passed out in the bathroom at his friend Steph's house.. he said that I should pick him up. As angry as I was, I went to go get him. When I finally got there, I found Joe with his pants around his ankles sprawled out on the bathroom floor, his face glued to the side of the toilet. He had puke all over himself, and it looked like there was black shit coming out of his mouth. Nobody had bothered calling me to tell me about this, and I had to find out for myself. Corey helped me drag him to the car and into my apartment. I had put him on the couch, wipe the gross shit off his face, take his socks and pants off because they were soaked in water and puke, and put a bucket next to him. I had to go to work at 8:00 a.m., and I didn't sleep at all.. I was worried that he would choke in his sleep.

In the morning he finally came to. He said that he wasn't passed out and that he heard me tell Corey that I was going to move out the next day. He said he only had about six beers, and started to get really violently ill. I told him that he should probably stop drinking for a little while. He did.

About a week ago, I told Joe that I wouldn't mind if he had a drink every once in a while. The fact that he drank didn't bother me, it was what happened that one night that scared me. I was worried about him, and he was convinced that his liver was shot. We went to Laura's birthday party. I drank, he decided not to.

Today it snowed like crazy. I missed work because my car was plowed in, and we didn't have a shovel yet. I talked to Joe around 4:00 p.m. He was at work, and was going to do a catering party tonight, probably until 10:00 p.m. For some reason I had a bad feeling about this catering party. I asked him to please, please not get drunk tonight. I was already really stressed. He promised he wouldn't. My mom told me she would come in the morning to help me shovel my car out.. I need to go to work tomorrow or I'm fucked. I spent my day cleaning, wrapping christmas presents, and looking at stuff online for a while. Joe came home around 10:30 p.m. I thought I heard him stumble up on the way upstairs. When he came through our apartment door he looked a little funny. I asked him how the night went, and he said it was the worst fucking night ever, and said he needed to take a shower. There was something wrong with the way he said it, so I asked if he was drunk. He said no, in a really snotty tone, and went into the bathroom.

He came back out about five minutes later, but I hadn't heard the shower on at all. He sat down and started talking about his night, how everyone was offering him drinks and stuff and how he didn't have any. Then he continued by telling me that I need to stand up for myself at my job, and that I should demand Sundays off of work. I told him that wasn't going to happen, that I work retail, and my managers and the company I work for are all pieces of shit. He then started to ramble on about how he has all this pent up aggression, and how he feels like we should go to a show real soon. He started talking about how every little thing started making him angry, and how he felt like no one gave a shit. I tried again to ask him if he had been drinking. This time he got really quiet. Then out it came.

"I might have had a glass or two of wine."
"I really hate when you scold me and treat me like a child."
"I hate when you tell me what to do all the time."
"I hate being told what to do, that's why I live here and not at my mom's house."
"You know, I actually had PLENTY of wine tonight."
"I'll be damned if I'm going to let you threaten to leave me for drinking."
"I have a right to drink when I feel like it."
"I won't let you leave me for something so petty."
"I do everything for you."
"I put up with so much shit just to be with you."
"I feel like you don't appreciate what I do for you anymore."
"I work so hard to pay for everything in this apartment."
"I'm 20 years old and I should be able to do what I want."
"Every time I go to Steve's you yell at me for drinking or wanting to drink, and I haven't even been there in forever."
"I am not going to let you leave me for this."
"I gave you one month of sobriety and I can't do it anymore."
"Every time I drink you threaten to leave."

I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore. I barely even talked to him during this. I never scolded him like a child, and the ONLY time I threatened to leave was when it all started getting out of hand. I'm worried but apparently I can't express how worried I am without scolding him and being rediculous.. apparently. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't care if he drinks, just as long as it doesn't happen all of the fucking time and he doesn't get wasted off his ass like he used to. I was so proud of him for regulating his drinking, and he was doing so well, but I guess that's not going to work. I think he has a problem, but I can't even let him know that without him blowing up. I'm not going to leave him.. I just didn't, and still don't, know what to do. I can't keep worrying like this.

new journal.

stereo_face

add me please thanks!

last night was friggin weird

i had a great time dancing though

just some stuff was WEIRD.

i'm not so proud of myself

i made a hammock for my rats and they're sleeping in it right now :)

i can't wait for the weekend and the sexy ravetastic party this weekend.

happy early birthday matt! (february first!!)

my potential drummer might be going to jail.

i need a band.

i want to play bass! i need a better amp!

i want to move out and go to college.

i need models for some photos for my photography portfolio for college (eventually)...

i want my tattoo NOW.

i want my eyebrow peircings NOW.

i need a bigger rat cage. (help!)

i want a boyfriend. (weird?)

i need a drink and a damn cigarette.

my life is confusing and un-fufilled.

it must be nice to have every guy chasing after you
i wish i at least had a fucking chance with one..

i'm realizing how long it's been since i've been in a meaningful relationship
it sucks!
i'm fine on my own, but it'd be nice to have someone else there
and it seems like i'm always falling for the most random people..
like now.
what the hell am i thinking?
haha

so i'm looking for a place to stay.
i'm going to go apply at a bunch of different places sometime this week, and god damn it SOMEONE is going to fucking hire me.
i need to get out of this fucking shit hole NOW before i either kill myself of my mom.
i just can't deal with it anymore.
and apparently if i disappear tomorrow she's going to trash all of my stuff.

i went to the film festival tonight with leon swartz
it was really cool, the films were great and pretty funny.
all in all, it's probably the most fun i've ever had at a school function, seeming as i don't like them much.
i was worried i wouldn't get to go cause jeff amanda and eric didn't want to.. and i didn't want to sit there by myself, but things worked out!
it was nice hanging out with someone other than the regulars

i can't keep putting everything into being happy all of the time.
it just makes me upset.
and i can't get over this stupid fucking asshole as long as i've liked him and thought i was over it.
i need to keep myself busy