got more style than a new york night

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 06:53:16 GMT

So I guess it's all over.

Joe and I broke up and I moved back home.
I quit my job finally.
I'm so depressed right now.
I'm almost two weeks late on my period now.
Joe won't even speak with me.
I don't think I could handle telling my mom if I'm pregnant, but I'd need to if I'm getting an abortion... I'm getting a test tomorrow to be sure.

I haven't told anyone about my possible pregnancy besides Matt and I left a message for Joe since he won't answer my calls or call me back..
Apparently he doesn't care at all.
After all me having to get a baby that's half his sucked out of me isn't his problem at all, is it?
I don't know what I'm going to do if I am pregnant.

I've never wanted to die so much in my whole life.

Long time, no see

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 04:50:08 GMT

I'm only posting this because I need to vent and I feel like I have no one who will listen to me.

About a month ago I came home from work around 10:30 p.m. and Joe wasn't at the apartment. He normally gets out of work around 4:00 p.m. and he hadn't called me, so I was starting to get worried. I called, but he didn't answer his phone. I started freaking out, and tried about five of my friends until I found out he was with Corey. Corey told me that Joe had drank too much and was passed out in the bathroom at his friend Steph's house.. he said that I should pick him up. As angry as I was, I went to go get him. When I finally got there, I found Joe with his pants around his ankles sprawled out on the bathroom floor, his face glued to the side of the toilet. He had puke all over himself, and it looked like there was black shit coming out of his mouth. Nobody had bothered calling me to tell me about this, and I had to find out for myself. Corey helped me drag him to the car and into my apartment. I had put him on the couch, wipe the gross shit off his face, take his socks and pants off because they were soaked in water and puke, and put a bucket next to him. I had to go to work at 8:00 a.m., and I didn't sleep at all.. I was worried that he would choke in his sleep.

In the morning he finally came to. He said that he wasn't passed out and that he heard me tell Corey that I was going to move out the next day. He said he only had about six beers, and started to get really violently ill. I told him that he should probably stop drinking for a little while. He did.

About a week ago, I told Joe that I wouldn't mind if he had a drink every once in a while. The fact that he drank didn't bother me, it was what happened that one night that scared me. I was worried about him, and he was convinced that his liver was shot. We went to Laura's birthday party. I drank, he decided not to.

Today it snowed like crazy. I missed work because my car was plowed in, and we didn't have a shovel yet. I talked to Joe around 4:00 p.m. He was at work, and was going to do a catering party tonight, probably until 10:00 p.m. For some reason I had a bad feeling about this catering party. I asked him to please, please not get drunk tonight. I was already really stressed. He promised he wouldn't. My mom told me she would come in the morning to help me shovel my car out.. I need to go to work tomorrow or I'm fucked. I spent my day cleaning, wrapping christmas presents, and looking at stuff online for a while. Joe came home around 10:30 p.m. I thought I heard him stumble up on the way upstairs. When he came through our apartment door he looked a little funny. I asked him how the night went, and he said it was the worst fucking night ever, and said he needed to take a shower. There was something wrong with the way he said it, so I asked if he was drunk. He said no, in a really snotty tone, and went into the bathroom.

He came back out about five minutes later, but I hadn't heard the shower on at all. He sat down and started talking about his night, how everyone was offering him drinks and stuff and how he didn't have any. Then he continued by telling me that I need to stand up for myself at my job, and that I should demand Sundays off of work. I told him that wasn't going to happen, that I work retail, and my managers and the company I work for are all pieces of shit. He then started to ramble on about how he has all this pent up aggression, and how he feels like we should go to a show real soon. He started talking about how every little thing started making him angry, and how he felt like no one gave a shit. I tried again to ask him if he had been drinking. This time he got really quiet. Then out it came.

"I might have had a glass or two of wine."
"I really hate when you scold me and treat me like a child."
"I hate when you tell me what to do all the time."
"I hate being told what to do, that's why I live here and not at my mom's house."
"You know, I actually had PLENTY of wine tonight."
"I'll be damned if I'm going to let you threaten to leave me for drinking."
"I have a right to drink when I feel like it."
"I won't let you leave me for something so petty."
"I do everything for you."
"I put up with so much shit just to be with you."
"I feel like you don't appreciate what I do for you anymore."
"I work so hard to pay for everything in this apartment."
"I'm 20 years old and I should be able to do what I want."
"Every time I go to Steve's you yell at me for drinking or wanting to drink, and I haven't even been there in forever."
"I am not going to let you leave me for this."
"I gave you one month of sobriety and I can't do it anymore."
"Every time I drink you threaten to leave."

I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore. I barely even talked to him during this. I never scolded him like a child, and the ONLY time I threatened to leave was when it all started getting out of hand. I'm worried but apparently I can't express how worried I am without scolding him and being rediculous.. apparently. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't care if he drinks, just as long as it doesn't happen all of the fucking time and he doesn't get wasted off his ass like he used to. I was so proud of him for regulating his drinking, and he was doing so well, but I guess that's not going to work. I think he has a problem, but I can't even let him know that without him blowing up. I'm not going to leave him.. I just didn't, and still don't, know what to do. I can't keep worrying like this.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 04:56:54 GMT

new journal.

stereo_face

add me please thanks!

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 01:19:58 GMT

last night was friggin weird

i had a great time dancing though

just some stuff was WEIRD.

i'm not so proud of myself

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 03:58:10 GMT

i made a hammock for my rats and they're sleeping in it right now :)

i can't wait for the weekend and the sexy ravetastic party this weekend.

happy early birthday matt! (february first!!)

my potential drummer might be going to jail.

i need a band.

i want to play bass! i need a better amp!

i want to move out and go to college.

i need models for some photos for my photography portfolio for college (eventually)...

i want my tattoo NOW.

i want my eyebrow peircings NOW.

i need a bigger rat cage. (help!)

i want a boyfriend. (weird?)

i need a drink and a damn cigarette.

my life is confusing and un-fufilled.

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:07:09 GMT

it must be nice to have every guy chasing after you
i wish i at least had a fucking chance with one..

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 02:57:44 GMT

i'm realizing how long it's been since i've been in a meaningful relationship
it sucks!
i'm fine on my own, but it'd be nice to have someone else there
and it seems like i'm always falling for the most random people..
like now.
what the hell am i thinking?
haha

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 00:52:10 GMT

so i'm looking for a place to stay.
i'm going to go apply at a bunch of different places sometime this week, and god damn it SOMEONE is going to fucking hire me.
i need to get out of this fucking shit hole NOW before i either kill myself of my mom.
i just can't deal with it anymore.
and apparently if i disappear tomorrow she's going to trash all of my stuff.

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 02:20:43 GMT

i went to the film festival tonight with leon swartz
it was really cool, the films were great and pretty funny.
all in all, it's probably the most fun i've ever had at a school function, seeming as i don't like them much.
i was worried i wouldn't get to go cause jeff amanda and eric didn't want to.. and i didn't want to sit there by myself, but things worked out!
it was nice hanging out with someone other than the regulars

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 04:07:32 GMT

i can't keep putting everything into being happy all of the time.
it just makes me upset.
and i can't get over this stupid fucking asshole as long as i've liked him and thought i was over it.
i need to keep myself busy

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 20:22:10 GMT

i can't begin to explain how much i hate everything and everyone right now. i've been in a terrible mood, i'm trying to get my grades up.. trying to get my life figured out but it's not fucking happening. i'm having a terrible time right now and all i want is to be left the fuck alone. i decided i want to move out and get my OWN apartment after high school. that's right, no fucking roomies. ever. i need a job so i can start saving up, or i need to get hit by a car so i can sue. it seems like getting hit by a car is more fucking likely.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 20:33:44 GMT

college boys are so much nicer, more mature, and definitely better looking than highschool boys. i talked to a really cute guy at the late show at mohawk place last night.. too bad i didn't get his number hah.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 09:07:05 GMT

shit can always get as bad as in the movies. i realize this now.

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 06:17:15 GMT

my new year's resolution this year is actually real complex.

i want to get my license, get a car, graduate, go to college, and let every one of my friends know how much i do care.. no matter how fucked up i really am.

i still haven't given most of my friends their gifts yet. i've given rob, jeff, kellie, and leon theirs. i need to get on the ball!

i got a gift from eric today, a super awesome cool descendents patch that he made. woo!

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:25:19 GMT

i'm listening to radiohead and getting all sentimental and crap
and realizing that as much as i love the new friends i've made
just how much i miss the old friends i used to have.
i miss being able to walk and see them.. now i'd have to drive to see them
i miss being so close with these people..
and it just seems like everyone i used to be so close with has moved away.
don't get me wrong, i wouldn't change anything for the world.
if it weren't for some of the bad stuff i wouldn't have met some new people or experienced some new things
the thought of my highschool friends all moving away, going to college, leaving town..
it completely terrifies me.
i know we're all eventually going to go our separate ways
and eventually i'll have to deal with it
and form new bonds and new friends
but i honestly don't think i could or even want to ever replace the people i love.
i mean, my friends mean more to me than family.. except for maybe my mom.
but still, i know i'm going to leave home, which means leaving my mom, leaving my friends from tonawanda, and leaving everything that is my life currently
i remember back in like 7th grade
when i would have given ANYTHING to move the fuck away from here and start new.
now i realize how completely naive and stupid it was of me to think like that
i never want to leave my friends, especially my best friend, my mom.
and with that, this is to you, my friends.
i love you all.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 08:57:51 GMT

so my mom definitely went overboard on christmas again this year.
we really are lacking in the cash department, and every year she just goes crazy with buying gifts for me and my brother.
not like psycho insane-like, but definitely bad for our budget.
i ordered a really cute hello kitty necklace online for my mom, and she loved it.. i got my brother marvel comic mugs and hot chocolate. we got those stupid christmas village houses for my step dad and an amazon gift card for my dad (he's in iraq again so we couldn't really ship anything.. :/)
rob really liked his gorilla biscuits hoodie, but i don't think i've really given any of my friends their gifts yet.. i finally got them all wrapped so maybe tomorrow. :)
my dad apparently bought a nintendo wii for me and my brother online since he couldn't find one.. for about 4 times the actual price which is crazy.. i think he really wanted to get it for us though. needless to say it's friggin amazing! he got us need for speed, super monkey ball, and zelda. i went out and got red steel with a gift card.
my mom got me and my brother each a nintendo ds and two games (i got trace memory and final fantasy III... i've already beat trace memory haha) and then she also got me a sweet new dvd player cause mine took a shit.. a new 2 gig mp3 player, a friggin cool wall chandeleer thingy, and a bunch of other various little things.
i got some cash from the g-parents, so i went out and bought the first volume of the new hellsing series. saaaaaaaaaweet.
i don't even want to know how much my mom spent this year.
me and amanda gave kellie her present today :)

ohh and for today.. i went to james' bday extravaganza and then went and hungout with joey.. who i haven't seen in damn near forever. he works too much and doesn't spend enough time in tonawanda. oh well.

school is soooooo not going to be fun next week.

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 18:04:55 GMT

i feel terrible
i had to leave band twice today to throw-up
and then i threw-up again at school before i left to go home during lunch
i've never felt so sick in my whole life
i'm gonna miss art club today.. my 2nd missed meeting ever, which makes me feel bad.
i want to work on my paiting but i've had multiple health issues to deal with.
i have three more xmas gifts to make
and new paint :)
aaaaaaand..
i think i'm gonna start making/altering? my prom dress sometime over winter break
but i'm only going to prom if i have an actual date.. for once.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 06:59:59 GMT

so i've committed myself to drink a hell of a lot less, and smoke even less than that
cigarettes do nothing for me, and i've been cutting down for a while
i might quit real soon
and drinking is ok sometimes, but i think it'll be like a once a week or once every other week thing..
i hate being sad
i wish someone actually cared
and i really want a meaningful relationship as much as that sounds funny to all of you. :(

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 23:46:36 GMT

i hate having little crushes on people
it makes me feel lame haha

show tonight! excitement? yes.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 04:07:48 GMT

i have a lot to catch up on!!
i saw rancid.
yes i had a ticket, and yes, i did sneak my way in.
long story short, my ticket was stuck somewhere where i couldn't get it, and i used my slick moves to get into the show :)
they covered unity and knowledge by op ivy and made me really happy.
dancing during big d was great
i almost pissed my pants about four times
tried to go to club diablos afterwards but got denyed, sat in a van all night and ended up calling my mom for a ride at like 2 cause no one would drive me home..
band concert was great. HOY!
and i love having cool convos online.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 07:27:44 GMT

i've come to realize that i don't make sense
and can't make sense of anything
it seems that things keep happening
and i just don't why
all i really want is to be understood
and be able to understand

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 22:28:23 GMT

so i thought i was long loooooong over something
but now i dont think i ever really was
what do you do when something just kinda happens but it seems right?

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 00:41:21 GMT

so last night was great
the show was awesome
fucc did an amazing job (as usual)
i saw some people i haven't seen is so long..
we also attempted to go to a big after party in west valley,
but the cops were there so we turned around and went to walmart at 2am
then me lex doreen hooker mike and this kid matt ended up at the microtech hotel haha
needless to say, mike is an amazing kisser. :)
woke up after 2 hours of sleep and went to pizza hut, then home, and now i am here!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 22:35:56 GMT

there are so many things i wish i had done or done better
i wish i had talked to more people in high school
i wish i had became friends with my friends sooner
i wish i hadn't moved around all my life
and could at least have had the chance of having one of those since gradeschool best friends
i miss ash, lex, doreen, rachael, britt, jon, and well fuck. i miss everyone.
i miss the summer.
i wish i had done more with my life before now.
i wish that last year was my senior year and not this one
i wish i wasn't the odd ball out of most of my good friends who is still stuck in school
i wish i could find a damn job
and i even wish i had gotten a fucking rancid ticket in time
ill never get to see them :/
i wish i still saw my various friends in the town of tonawanda and south buffalo.
i wish people didnt come into my group of friends and left as quickly as they came
i wish i hadn't bothered with some boys
i wish i was a better, nicer, prettier person, inside and out
i wish i had more time
i wish i had my license and a car..
i wish i didn't live at home
i wish i could say "fuck it, i don't give a shit" but i do..

i miss my old life..

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:35:35 GMT

this weekend was awesome!

friday=partay with katie, amanda, rich, jeff, eric, and will.

saturday=drove to get jon with me amanda and jeff in one car and will and eric in another. threw things at will's car and slapped them at red lights. high five with will going 45mph on the thruway! show at showplace.. kids got kicked out for drinking. but not me!! felt bad for bob.. danced a lot! saw tainted army's 5th last show ever with 8 last songs. ever. collected balloons, tampons, plastic police, and dum dums. drank. was hyper! got killer hugs from matt. danced to techno after the show with amanda jon matt and rich! went on stage during fucc. got fucc to play the crowd! nkotr did a good set.

sunday=played some hardcore final fantasy. hungout with jon, amanda, jeff, eric, and drea. went many places. "no nuts! NO NUTS! KEEP YOUR NUTS OUT OF THAT SUNDAY RYAN!" --jon at mcdonald's! got hyper hahaha. drove jon home :(

jon is leaving for chicago in the morning
im so sad :(
im gonna miss that kid soooooo much..